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Comment by Nancy 1 hour ago

Tampa Tribune 11/06/2009, Page A04

Close encounter Tampa police officer gives literary treatment to a report of a harrowing alligator attack on a dark and rainy evening.



By JOSH POLTILOVE

TAMPA Officer Terry Ashe’s initial report could have just said that his un­marked cruiser's left bumper was bitten by an alligator.

That alone would have been enough to get a chuckle. But Ashe told the whole saga with literary flair.

The incident begins Oct. 27 as he nears his Pasco County home.

“As I was driving down the single lane, dirt road, adjacent to an old cemetery, I observed a large, menacing dark object lying in the road ob­structing my right of way,” wrote Ashe, a 13-year veteran assigned to the department's air service unit. “With rain pouring down, mist and fog shrouding my vision, large oak trees laden with Spanish moss hanging down around my vehicle, I was uncertain as to what lay in my path.

“I backed up a little bit to get a second look at what was lying in the roadway. With the heavy rain coming down, it appeared that an alligator was obstructing my path. Pondering as to how to deal with this menacing man-eater, I eased my vehicle forward slightly to get the ancient reptile to move off the road.

“The alligator took my action as an act of aggression and lurched forward attacking my vehicle. The monster bit down on the front left bumper and attempted his mighty death roll.

“The vehicle shook violently from side to side, my head bouncing from the driver's side win­dow to the headrest. At one point it felt as if the vehicle was up on two wheels. After what seemed an eternity, the prehistoric monster appeared to be tiring. With the vehicle back on all four wheels I slammed the vehicle into reverse and punched the accelerator. The mighty roar of the engine and the spinning of tires in the wet sand was just too much for the man-eater to manage.

“After letting go and emitting a loud roar of triumph, he crawled off the roadway. While quite shaken, face drained of blood, and soaked with sweat, I was able to put the vehicle in drive and get past the beast. One last look in the rear view mirror and I knew that I had just escaped the mighty jaws of death.

“After arriving at my residence, out of harms way, I inspected the front, left bumper and observed teeth holes in the plastic bumper where the alligator had hold of it. Estimated damage to the bumper is approximately $500.”

Sadly, the final report's narrative was a little more tempered: “Officer Ashe was driving home in Pasco County when he observed an alligator blocking the roadway. He attempted to use his vehicle to scare it out of the road. The alligator became agitated and bit his bumper causing approximately $500 worth of damage. Report will be routed to City Claims/Risk Manage­ment.”

Comment by Nancy 2 hours ago

Funny (literally) how one single misspelled word or an error in sentence structure can REALLY change the meaning of a sentence.

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4. Evening Massage - 6 PM.
5. The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
13. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
14. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
15. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
16. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
17. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
18. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
19. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
20. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
21. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
22. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
23. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
24. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
25. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
26. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
27. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
28. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water" One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
29. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
30. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they maybe seen in the church basement Friday.
31. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
32. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
34. The 1996 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
35. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
36. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
37. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
38. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
39. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
40. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
41. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign Slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge-------Up Yours."
42. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
43. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Comment by Nancy 2 hours ago

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!

Comment by Valerie Ferrell on November 14, 2009 at 6:28pm

Worse Than Evil Incarnate?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Comment by Patti G. on November 9, 2009 at 11:34am

Swine flu paranoia is getting out of hand

Comment by Nancy on October 20, 2009 at 12:47pm

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
Published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Comment by Nancy on October 20, 2009 at 12:45pm

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?



For bird flu you need tweetment

and

for swine flu you need oinkment

Comment by Valerie Ferrell on October 17, 2009 at 11:11am

and WE think OUR memories are bad! rofl

Senility & The Stoplight

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again... and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Comment by Joy on October 15, 2009 at 11:19pm

I laughed so hard i cried - Hahahahahaha

Comment by Nancy on October 15, 2009 at 1:55am

(David McClure of McKinney teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a "Teacher Voices" volunteer columnist. A senior moment ... At 48?)

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

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